Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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