I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
