Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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