JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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