She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
