Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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