Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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