he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
