so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Drunk is not a location!
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
