the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
