broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
