I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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