Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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