I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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