Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
