My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
