we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
