Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize