you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
