Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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