His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
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