When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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