2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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