She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You made out with two different species that night
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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