Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
