I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
