if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
