My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
