just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
