Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
