I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize