Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize
