I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
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