It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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