the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Rumble strips road head = magical
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
