take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I think I sprained my soul last night
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
