Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
