She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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