I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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