so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
