Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
