I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize