guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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