youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I skipped work to stalk him.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
