Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I'm really busy with my period
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