Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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