3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
