I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
