My hand turned me down
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
So squirting runs in the family.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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