also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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