he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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