Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize