Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
