remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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