Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
