Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
