tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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