I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
