I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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