and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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