Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize